On the morning of February 6th 2023, the citizens of Turkey woke up to the tragic news of a 7.6 magnitude earthquake affecting major cities in Southern Turkey and various neighboring countries such as Syria and Lebanon. With each passing minute, social media accounts and WhatsApp groups started sharing names and pictures of missing people, and lists of immediate needs calling out to all able citizens to help and support those who were affected. Despite the government’s announcement asking its citizens to stay at home due to dangerous weather conditions, people flooded donation centers with boxes filled with goods and supplies. Many voluntarily went to those areas to support the affected and rescue teams.
Istanbul, my home of 7 years, was decorated with black posters saying “GEÇMİŞ OLSUN TÜRKİYE” in bold, white capital letters. The words ‘deprem’ and earthquake felt too heavy to use. I distinctly remember how unsettlingly quiet the usually-noisy streets of Istanbul were. It was then that I realize that it wasn’t the sound of silence, but in fact, the sound of grief. We, the citizens and residents of Turkey, were mourning both internally and collectively. Our subjective concept of death was challenged and shaken to its core. Whether we were volunteering, distracting ourselves with work, pressing pause on our lives, choosing to do nothing, or crying: we were all coping with loss and experiencing grief in our own ways.
Understanding Grief
Grief is the emotional response to the loss of someone or something significant and important in one’s life. It is one of the heaviest experiences one can have during their lifetime, as this can allow intense feelings and emotions to arise.
Loss can reshape the way we view the world or ourselves, as well as our beliefs, values, and perspective. We are humans and sometimes, the way we react or cope with these difficult feelings may not seem or be ‘right’, but it is the way we felt and believed we could express those difficult emotions. Some may rationalize their experience or purposely distract themselves. Some may get angry or impulsive. There is no perfect way of coping with grief. The end goal is to be able and open to expressing our feelings, thus, moving on in a healthy way. Moving on requires acknowledgment of the situation and our emotions. It requires patience, understanding, empathy, and acceptance. In order to heal from such an event, we need to stay patient with ourselves and accept the way that we feel, no matter what we feel.
The Common Symptoms of Grief
It is important to keep in mind that there is no right or wrong way to move across these stages. Just as with grief, we don’t experience its stages in a sequential way. It is possible for us to move forward and backward during this process. Similarly, one doesn’t have to go through each stage in order to grieve effectively or heal from the tragic events. In some cases, some of those who are grieving may not go through all the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). You or someone you know who is grieving may experience any of the following, after experiencing a loss:
- One may be in disbelief and denial about what happened and have trouble accepting the loss.
- One may have feelings of emptiness, yearning, or deep loneliness, cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.
- One may regret or feel guilty about things they said and did. Or about the things they hadn’t said or done.
- A significant loss can cause feelings of uncertainty, insecurity, fear, and worry for the future. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.
- One may feel guilty when experiencing certain feelings such as relief when a person passes away (for example: after a long, difficult illness). One may even feel guilty for not doing more to prevent the loss, even if it was completely out of their hands. In some cases, one may experience survivor’s guilt – a serious symptom of PTSD – where one feels guilty for surviving a life-threatening situation when others have not. This can occur to people who have witnessed and/or survived death or were exposed to traumatic events that resulted in fatalities.
- One may feel angry and/or resentful, as they may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice. One may be angry with God, medical professionals, or even with themselves. One may even blame the person who passed away because they feel abandoned by them.
There are no right or wrong reactions or symptoms of grief. While loss affects people in different ways, many of us experience a different combination of symptoms when grieving. Whether you are feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or even questioning your religious or spiritual beliefs, these are normal reactions to grief. Whatever your reaction may be, it could be the way you feel the most comfortable expressing your feelings and emotions. Be patient and kind towards yourself as you are hurting and trying to navigate through these difficult feelings.
How to Cope with Grief
Grief is a very individualized experience, and no one’s expression or coping style should ever be questioned, criticized, or judged. Grief can feel like a roller coaster of emotions and feelings, with its ups and downs. The important thing to do is to be patient and understanding with yourself and how you feel. Rushing through it would result in the same feelings reemerging, at a stronger intensity, during similar situations. Years after the loss, especially at special and positive events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief, wishing the ones we lost were here with us to experience the same happiness we are. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it is important to give yourself time to work through the loss.
Here are some ways you can support yourself through grief:
- Face your feelings
Avoiding or trying to avoid the difficult feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. One may try to distract themselves with things such as studies, work, responsibilities, sleep, and/or substances, however, they cannot avoid it forever. You have to acknowledge the pain you are experiencing. In order to heal, you must allow yourself to grieve for the one you have lost. - Experience grief on your own terms
Don’t allow anyone to tell you how you should feel, not even yourself. Your grief is your own, and no one has the right to tell you when it is time to ‘move on’, ‘let go’, or ‘get over it’. Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell, to cry, or not to cry. It is also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready. - Spend time with your loved ones
It is okay to lean on people who care about you, no matter how strong or self-sufficient you may be. Often, people want to help but don’t know how, so you can tell them what you would like assistance with—whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or just someone to keep you company. Having support from other people is vital to healing, as isolation may prolong your ability to heal. - Seek psychological support
Talk to a therapist or grief counselor. If your grief feels like too much to bear, find a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving. You can also join a support group to share your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses. - Express your feelings in other creative ways
Sometimes, talking about how you feel could be difficult. Even if you’re not comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving. You can do so by writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal, scrapbooking, or volunteering for a cause related to your loss. - Take care of yourself
The stress of a loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time. Maintaining your hobbies and interests, and getting back to the activities may bring you joy and help you come to terms with your loss, facilitating your grieving process. Additionally, you should look after your physical health by getting sufficient sleep, eating nutritious food, and exercising or moving your body. When you feel healthy physically, you’ll be better able to cope emotionally. - Plan ahead for triggers
Anniversaries, holidays, and important milestones can reawaken painful memories and feelings. Know that it’s completely normal. Your body can sometimes portray anxiety or stress the closer you get to important dates. You can plan ahead by making sure that you’re not alone during those important days or by marking your loss in a creative way.
Final Take
Grief is a difficult, stressful, and heavy experience for many if not all. Grief does not really have to be about death. Grief can also be about the loss of a friend, a loved one, a relationship, a memory, property, an item of sentimental value, a country, or a job. Regardless of what was lost, everyone’s loss and reason to grieve are valid and justified. Moreover, people can grieve and cope with their losses in a variety of ways, which may serve as a comforting way to process their thoughts and express how they feel. Whether one would choose to cope with humor, faith, hope, anger, or crying, there is no ‘right’ way.
One can be angry, sad, demotivated, hopeless, or guilty, after experiencing a loss. One must allow themselves to face their feelings while trying to assist themselves in dealing with these feelings and thoughts in a healthy way. One can smoothen out their grieving process through activities such as practicing faith and religion, journaling, talking, self-care, practicing gratitude, and supporting and spending time with their loved ones during this time. Of course, these activities should not be used as a way to distract one from feeling feelings; this approach can be both insensitive and inconsiderate. People should give themselves time to feel what they feel without trying to look for a quick solution or pressuring themselves to move on. When one is grieving, one must practice kindness, understanding, and patience toward themselves and others who are grieving during this difficult time. One cannot rush to heal their wounds, but one may be able to support their wounds to heal.
DISCLAIMER: If you experienced or are currently experiencing any difficult emotions following a loss, your reaction was/is natural as processing feelings and thoughts after such a difficult event takes time and reflection. In any case, feel free to contact a therapist or psychological professional regarding your struggles.
