Being an expat is difficult. You start a new life somewhere you probably have very limited knowledge about. All your old habits and automatized ways of problem solving are left behind. You have to start over with everything. In many ways it’s like being a new-born baby, with every image, sound, taste, smell and texture being a new experience for you. As a result, it can be difficult to cope with some issues in life. After you’ve settled in and met your basic needs, it becomes time to move up the hierarchy. So, what’s next?
As a psychologist, I can assure you that for many, the next step is satisfying the need to be loved. If you end up meeting that special someone, cheers to that! If your partner is a local though, you might have another issue to tackle: cultural barriers.
Let’s consider the three most critical barriers of a romantic relationship between an expat and a local through a psychologist’s eyes.
Language and Communication
Some philosophers say that communication starts in search of feelings of contentment. The idea being that if we felt 100 percent content, we wouldn’t have anything to say. Well, it makes sense! Imagine the moments you feel completely satisfied with the pleasure of a taste, smell, image, sound or touch. You can remember precise moments from your life that you felt so whole that you don’t need words to describe your feelings and sensations. It sounds great but in order to feel that satisfaction, a relationship has to deepen with time through words to enhance the fire of love.
When we talk about words, we step into the world of languages. In an expat-local relationship, the classic combination follows: The expat and local speak different mother tongues and communicate with each other in English. In this case, English proficiency becomes quite important for couples.
In some cases, one partner might try to learn the other’s native tongue, which can often be frustrating, bringing feelings of resentment that the other is not trying hard enough.
Thus, if couples feel love and commitment towards each other, language is the first barrier which they have to overcome. But, should this really be such a big challenge for lovers? Love can overcome anything!
Cultural Background
We all have different backgrounds that influence us as we grow up. We have genetic records of experiencing love. We are nurtured by our parents. Maybe we have scars, traumas and emotional neglect in our past. Sometimes, it becomes irresistible not to transfer our emotional baggage into our current relationship. A new partner from a different culture could be a sweet reason to forget the past and start over afresh.
Culture contains our ethnic and sociological belonging. For instance religions, languages, beliefs, and unwritten laws apply the way we perceive, process, and progress in our lives. Apparently, these perceptions vary in each individual. Culture doesn’t only determine our judgement but also gives an impression towards people around us. In addition, characteristics of temperament change based on your roots in relationships. A Spanish partner might confess their love at the end of the very first week you meet, while a Swedish partner takes so long you become quite suspicious about whether you are really loved or not. Of course these are just hypothetical. That being said, different cultures being involved together shape both partners and their way of seeing the world, often making them more open-minded. In the future, a multicultural house might be a great start for their potential kids to understand all parts of the world through the nurturing of their parents.
Boundaries and Flexibility
Sometimes as a consequence of culture and geographic dynamics, the concept of perceiving spaces and boundaries in daily life happens to be a problem. As a result , some situations might create misunderstanding between individuals. There are generally accepted beliefs about various regions (Eastern, Western, etc.) that play into this perception and the major differences of what is acceptable.
For instance, some people might come from a background where communicating with close eye and body contact with each other is the norm. For someone originating elsewhere, this might feel like too much intimacy and they might consider it as a violation of boundaries in a social or romantic relationship. People can often appear emotionally distant or uncommunicative. In order to overcome these problems, couples should always compare and contrast their cultures and share their needs and expectations with each other to prevent misunderstandings.
Flexibility is an indicative phenomenon in intimate relationships. Individuals from different cultures can often seemingly have a different sense of time and space. Consequently, this might create temporary and permanent conflicts. For example, both partners promise to meet at a specific time. When the time comes, one of the partners isn’t there on time, and unsurprisingly the waiting partner considers it a big problem. The one who’s late might not even consider this a real issue worth getting upset about and accuse the other of being intolerant. These are the tops of issues that are best resolved when both participants have open, positive feelings and communication with each other.
Ultimately, no matter where you come from, love blows the dust in your heart and makes it a heavenly garden again. If your feelings are strong enough, being an expat or local doesn’t matter. The most vital point is sharing one’s feelings, rather than simply both being able to speak the same language. Maybe you are an expat who is together with a local or vice versa. Maybe you are having the troubles that I mentioned above or have experienced them previously. You should consider that love never promises you a rose garden. With every person in the world, you will have different barriers to overcome. These barriers might make you feel emotional burdens or pain. However, in order to overcome this pain, you should cross through the burning fire of love. When you look in the mirror, you will meet a new person mature enough to cope with everything in life. As Charles Dickens stated, “A loving heart is the truest wisdom.” All other so-called compensations such as money, success, career, etc. are not going to cool your heart. Love is the only tool that you can break the chain of vanity and make you be a better person.
