It’s Tuesday, May 26, 2020, the final day of lockdown in Istanbul. Some of you spent your days indoors working on your bodies. Many of y’all improved your minds. Others worked on arts and crafts, and a majority got up close and personal with their kitchens. Well guess what, bitches. I did all of that! Except, I didn’t do it regularly, nor to better myself. These activities took the form of four social distance dates using the Inner Circle app. (Otherwise, I pretty much just slept, watched TV and worked.)
The thing is, Corona isn’t going nowhere. That shit is still wreaking havoc on Istanbul like shoppers at a Gratis when there’s a 75% sale. Tomorrow, we’ll have to watch as the country starts trying to “open up” and “normalize,” just as we did with Britney post-2007. But will we make it as far as she did? I don’t know about you, but I didn’t just spend the last three months figuring out how to make banana bread without an oven and turning myself into a potato on Zoom just to get Covid-19 from some dude awkwardly trying to hug me after a lame-ass coffee date. (Bonus: We definitely would’ve ghosted each other.)
So, how to date in this pandemic landscape? Online, of course. If you’re not desperate for some D or V, why not wait a few dates before meeting in person? And I’m here to tell you, it’s possible and actually kinda fun. Yes, ladies and gentleman and gender non-conforming folks, I talked to a shit ton of dudes on the internet and managed to go on four online dates, all while never changing out of my sweatpants. Except for the time I changed into yoga pants. And these dates were actually just as fun (or, let’s be honest, as boring) as meeting in real life. In fact, I would even go so far as to say they were BETTER than meeting in real life because 1) I didn’t have to shower beforehand and 2) they were super low stakes.
My last foray into the online dating world of Istanbul was back in 2015, when I wrote about my adventures on OKCupid looking for winter drink dates. Much to my Indian mother’s severe disappointment, I’m still single, but I’m also a few relationships and just as many years wiser. Of course, duh, come on, this article is about my own experience, but maybe it’ll inspire you to liven up your sense of what’s possible with online dating, or inspire you to never read anything I’ve written again.
Here’s what I did. I made an account on the Inner Circle. (Full disclosure: They offered me a premium membership and I’d never used the app before, so I thought I’d try it out. IC has a free basic plan, too.) I sifted through the likes and messages that rolled in once my account was approved, and chatted up a few guys who didn’t have generic profiles. I started off attempting conversation, but that’s not really my thing, so I began asking people out on a social distance date right off the bat. (More disclosure: When suggesting the date, I also mentioned I’d be writing about it.) These are the results, and I’ve rated how they’d stack up to a similar date IRL. (Final disclosure: names have been cuteifed.)
Date 1: Cooking Dinner over What’sApp Video
I don’t know what’s changed in the three-ish years since I was on Tinder, but everything on the Inner Circle seems to revolve around how traveled you are. Apparently, you are not a complete person if you don’t have a picture in at least four different countries, and you better hope you can answer the question about your favorite cities (one of only three profile prompts) with ones outside of Turkey. This, unfortunately, means everyone’s profiles are frighteningly similar.
I took notice of Şans’ because of the red Converse sneakers he was wearing in most of his photos. In my early 20s, I almost exclusively wore red Keds with everything – jeans, dresses, while traveling, to go out in – and it made me chuckle to see someone else making the same weird choices. Though only the second guy I’d started chatting with on the app, Şans was already a million steps up from the dude who had a horrifying collection of Instagram highlights dedicated to “Tinderellas.” (Seriously, there were dozens – maybe even more than a hundred – of screenshots of women’s profiles, with comments in varying shades of cruel, racist, misogynistic and fatphobic. Yikes.) But far from that nihilistic edge lord who almost put me off this endeavor altogether, Şans had a ready smile and a delightfully cheerful personality, not to mention the red shoes.
Şans and I texted a bit about our favorite Uyghur restaurants in Çapa, Detroit and Pompeii’s parallel fates, and what it’s like working at a public hospital administering Covid-19 tests (him obviously, not me. I’m sitting on my ass writing this article and eating pizza-flavored crackers while he’s off being a frontline hero). I suggested we make dinner together, and we set a date for an hour before iftar the following day.
I put on a clean top and a little concealer (but left my sweatpants on), prepped the carrots and lentils for my vegan barbacoa, and answered Şans’ video call on WhatsApp. We talked the whole time we cooked. He made a soy chicken stir-fry and I made barbacoa quesadillas. It really felt like we were cooking in the same kitchen, with the added advantage of not having to actually be in each other’s homes for what would be a much-too intimate first date. Because we both chose dishes we were comfortable making, the conversation flowed easy and we got on so well we decided to eat together, too. It all felt very friendly, and we’re still chatting as friends a few weeks later.
The date: 5/5. Şans was great company and a good conversationalist.
The activity: 5/5. I wish I’d tried this before the pandemic! If you’re at all like me and think going to someone’s home for a first date is a bit much, this is a great way to get to know someone while getting to see their skills in the kitchen, and getting to share a meal together.
Similar dates you could try online: Making cocktails, joining a cooking class
IRL (but still distancing): Grocery shopping, takeaway coffee and a long walk
Date 2: Yoga Class over Zoom
If I were to base how much folks in Turkey care about keeping away from Corona on the number of people trying to meet up IRL on the Inner Circle, I’m surprised we don’t have haircut and manicure protests like back home in the US.
According to the Inner Circle, from the day of Istanbul’s first lockdown, April 10, to the start of May, the city saw a 34% increase in matches on the app and a 15% increase in conversations. But the app also had a 13% decrease in members suggesting to call or video call their matches. That was certainly reflected in my attempts to get people to try an online date. After the great luck I had with Şans, I hit a string of dud dudes who hemmed and hawed about wanting to do something virtually, and who instead kept pushing to hook up in person, insisting they were “clean” (wtf?). A few even tried to invite themselves to my house before a weekend lockdown (bold, but not for me).
The best thing about Cici was how game he was to try a Zoom date right out the gate. In response to his generic “hey whats up,” (losing points, Cici, sigh), I took a direct approach. “I’m writing a piece on social distance dates, want to try one?” I really feel like you can understand a lot about someone’s security with themselves, sense of adventure and willingness to try new things by how they respond to stuff like this. We tossed out some ideas (build a fort, make a cocktail, bookshelf tour) and landed on joining a yoga class over Zoom the following morning.
Turns out, neither of us are super into yoga, but we both had a good time! We missed the class, so we chose a random yoga video off YouTube and followed along. Since we were screensharing, our own webcam videos were quite small, so we didn’t feel like we were overexposing ourselves during the more, er, suggestive yoga positions, and we had a good laugh when we both fell over during a particularly tough pose.
The date: 3/5. We didn’t have much time to talk after since we had to get back to work, but Cici is getting all these points just for being down to join.
The activity: 4/5. Yoga or any kind of activity that involves lots of awareness of the body could make for a fairly uncomfortable first date, but over Zoom it was super low key! There’s not a lot of opportunity for talking, though.
Similar dates you could try online: Solo Salsa, Karaoke, Workouts, Running on the phone, Pilates, Darren’s Dance Moves,Still trying to find someone silly and confident enough to learn a Tik Tok dance with me.
IRL (but still distancing): A social distance run? Tennis? A workout on public park equipment? (That you’ve wiped down before and after.)
Date 3: Turkish Lesson over Facetime
Getting tired of being the one having to come up with all the ideas, I let Zeke take the wheel when he agreed to a social distance date. He landed on a “Turkish lesson.” Still no Tik Tok dance attempt, but ok, sure. I made certain I had something to translate nearby, just in case this was about to turn into a straight up video call, which does not a social distance date make.
What’s a social distance date? I’ll tell you what it’s not. It’s not a video call. That is some lame shit you have to do for your job; do not settle for that nonsense. A video call is the online dating equivalent of meeting for coffee, and after writing about six drinks dates in a row, I can tell you those are the worst. There’s too much pressure on the conversation when some people are just bad at it, and without any built-in moments for fun, there’s no room for chemistry to make itself known. A social distance date is also not meeting at the supermarket and having a dude buy your groceries instead of dinner. (There are seriously people doing this and I am flabbergasted.) Sorry if I’ve just hardcore judged your Covid dating technique – to be fair maybe the guys I went out with for this story think mine is crap too!
This date wasn’t crap. It wasn’t amazing, but it wasn’t crap. We ended up translating some poems together from Turkish to English. I was impressed at his ability to succinctly define fairly complicated concepts, and I think my Turkish skills didn’t come off looking too shabby either. We talked a good bit before and after the “lesson” part of our date, but I ended up feeling more like a mentor than a potential partner. It was nice to realize that neither of us had to leave the house for us to learn we weren’t a great match.
The date: 3/5. Our Turkish lesson was probably the most interesting part, since the rest of the time we mostly talked about his career goals.
The activity: 2/5. If I hadn’t had the book of poems on-hand, this would have felt like a Skype job interview. This is why I don’t do coffee dates.
Similar dates you could try online: A bookshelf tour, building a blanket fort, Netflix Party, a two-person article club, joining an online language class
IRL (but still distancing): I’m out of ideas, y’all. Reading in the park?
Date 4: Painting over Zoom
This was the date I’d been most looking forward to (besides wanting to learn a Tik Tok dance with someone, COME ON GUYS), just because I like painting. When I matched with someone who had shared some of his pretty cool looking art on his profile, it only seemed natural to suggest we make some together. Yaban Mersini picked up acrylic pouring as a random hobby not too long ago, and said it had been a while since he’d done it – so he was happy to do it with me. He mixed his paints while we talked about gardening, our families, and the inevitability of bad ideas like lokma shops, and I worked on a watercolor I’ve had lying around. I paused in my work to watch him pour his acrylics onto a wooden board he’d painted the day before. Magic! It was a really unique experience for a first date, and I was quite enamored I have to admit. Yaban Mersini says he’s going to post me the finished piece once it’s dry (dude is smooooth), which is kind of exciting, but more exciting would be a second date!
The date: 5/5. Yaban Mersini and I talked the whole time we worked on our artwork. Since it’s just a fun hobby for both of us, we didn’t take ourselves too seriously, and since he was so excited about how cool his pour turned out, we both left the date feeling pretty good.
The activity: 5/5. Would do this again. A less-agonizing way to get through those get-to-know-you conversations without having to stare at someone’s frozen face for an hour, and also a good way to get a peek into a person’s mood when they are working on their hobbies.
Similar dates you could try online: Any kind of artwork or handiwork! Gardening, crocheting, tie dye, woodwork. Could even do a class together.
IRL (but still distancing): A date at an art supplies store, painting outside, photography scavenger hunt.
TL;DR
If you wanna do a voice call, well, I’ve got news for you:
