Just for Fun: Seven “Worst” Turkish Foods

Wow, I know, that was a controversial title wasn’t it? Now that I’ve got your attention, can I just say that obviously this is just my opinion and Turkish cuisine is the best thing to have happened to my life and probably why I’m still here. But as a yabancı in a land of fabulous treats, some things… don’t make sense to me. Yes, kokoreç (stuffed intestines), işkembe çorbası (tripe soup), koç yumurtası (ram’s tesitcles) and tavuk göğsü (chicken breast dessert) are all on the strange spectrum. But this list isn’t about them, because those are beloved. It’s about those dishes that utterly disappoint or infuriate, and I know many a Turk who will agree with me here.

Throw your abuse at me. I am not above being judged as I come from a land that sells cheese in a spray can.

7. Benekli Leblebi (Roasted Speckled Chickpeas)
I have a message for you, little chickpea: You are a beautiful legume in a million iterations, but if you are speckled and roasted GTFO my çerez. I’m sorry if that makes me racist.

6. Şırdan (Stuffed Sheep Stomach)
You guys, it looks like a penis. This has got to be intentional. I don’t care how it tastes, I feel like me and this meal would need to check into a hotel before I could enjoy it. Lemme get back to you, but for now, solid No. 6 material.

5. Yoğurtlu Makarna (Spaghetti with Yogurt)
Not to poo poo on the meals of you students out there — my dad used to make tomato soup from hot water and ketchup packets — but yogurt is not a substitute for cheese or marinara. Heck, even butter, olive oil and a little salt would do the trick. Yogurt in this country beats American yogurt’s ass any day of the week. Mantı is in the top 10 best dishes of life. Turkish yogurt is the secret ingredient in my fabulous mac and cheese. But I guess I will never truly belong since I can’t make plain yogurt a sauce for my pasta.

4. Dry Döner Kebab
Do not misunderstand me. I love me some döner kebab. BUT. But. But for all the amazing kebab that covers this country, there is some equally awful, dry, chewy chunks of meat out there.
If I slice up a brick of styrofoam, put that in a loaf of bread the size of my face, add two measly tomato slices, let that sit in the sun for a few days, then throw 9 TL out the window, that would be the experience of eating döner kebab in Sultanahmet.
P.S. There’s a reason people always love İskender Kebab: sauce.

3. Kurabiye (Turkish Cookies)
Dear Turkey,
You have redefined “cookie monster.”
Stop pretending “kurabiyeler” are cookies. They are not.
Cookies should not disintegrate in your mouth like sand. Cookies should not be chalky. Cookies should not have only three chocolate chips on top. There is one time and one time only that I will give American Supremism a pass, and that is cookie time.
Love,
Cookie Supremacist

2. Pizza with Ketchup and Mayonnaise (and corn)
Americans are known for fucking up classic dishes, but WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Question: There is already tomato sauce on the pizza, why add the ketchup? Answer: You can’t reason with bad taste.

1. Falım brand chewing gum
Here’s a fun trick. Offer your friend gum then give them a stick of Falım. That’s it. That’s the whole trick.
The only good thing about this flavorless gum that turns to cardboard in your mouth 1.25 seconds after chewing: the fortune in the wrapper. But you know, if that’s what you’re in it for, just get a Dove chocolate and stop offering me this corrugated nonsense.

Any other terrible foods out there we should be on alert for? Let us know in the comments! (Also, be sure and check out our piece on the seven “best” Turkish foods.)